What are the first things you change in a house when you first move in?
In our almost 14 years of marriage, we have lived in 8 different dwellings—ranging from apartment, tract neighborhood, and farm living, to historic 1920’s home. With each living situation that “first thing” to change might be different depending on what you feel is really a barrier to that place feeling like “home”. In one house, a new dining table was one of the first things we needed to fit a particular space so we could have guests over comfortably. In another, it was getting the nursery set up for our newborn baby. In one home, there was a paint color we really didn’t like so we painted that bedroom first.
Do you think making a house a home is a process that changes depending on your stage in life? (Or your kids’ ages.)
It’s definitely a process that changes. I think most of that has to do with what we grow to value over time. There’s real beauty in a family developing its own “personality” over time. One family I knew always had at least two tubs of Blue Bell Ice Cream on hand at all times for hospitality purposes. We always knew when we went to their house we would have a tasty ice cream sundae. That’s just one example of how a family can become proficient over time at creating a homey atmosphere for others.
Different stages of life do have an effect on that, but maybe not as much as we sometimes think. It can be tempting for young parents to think that because we have small children, the house will never be clean enough to be homey or for the retired folks to think no one with kids would want to visit because they won’t have enough toys for kids to play with. The single twenty-something may think they have nothing in common with the forty year old couple, but creating an atmosphere of home and welcome is about so much more than those things. It’s really about showing love and service to others—often those who are very different from us.
What makes a house feel “homey” to you?
I’ve had three words in mind when cultivating my home:
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Peaceful.
Please don’t picture harps playing and my children gleefully picking wildflowers every moment of the day. I might be a bit whimsical, but this is the twenty-first century, after all. To me, a peaceful home is one of love, joy, and cheerful service. It is a home where self-control is often expected, but also a place where my three-year old boy is allowed to roar like a semi-truck with his matchbox cars at the proper time. By peaceful, I do not mean it is always quiet. My desire to reflect peace in my own home does dictate partly why I attempt to keep a generally tidy house. (Note my gracious usage of the word “generally.”)
However, I have been in somewhat messy homes and experienced an almost palpable feeling of welcome and homey-ness. I think our attitudes as women have a lot to do with that. A chaotic home with lots of screaming, whining, and interrupting (from children and parents alike) has a greater effect on the souls of guests than misplaced shoes, and yet the two sometimes go together—disorder in the home can reflect disorder in the soul.
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Comfortable.
I want my family and guests to feel neither intimidated by my home nor repelled by it. What I mean is, I do not want my home to feel like a museum nor a garbage dump. I want it functional for my own family, pleasing to the senses, and I want guests of any social standing to feel at ease. If something gets broken, I want to be able to say “No big deal. We are so glad you were here.” That doesn’t mean I have no sentimental items or that we don’t occasionally have to tell visiting children “please do not touch the stuffed deer head on the wall”, but overall, I attempt to avoid being pretentious and having too many “untouchables”.
On the other hand, I would not want anyone to feel repelled by our disorder. I believe one of the beauties of womanhood is a God-given desire to bring order from chaos—each of us in the homes he’s given us. The outcome and what that looks like will be unique to each of us and that’s part of beauty of it all isn’t it? This desire overall reflects the character of God himself. While we ought not to idolize the degree to which our home maintains order, it is a good thing to long for it. God is honored when we express beauty through our homes. My goal is to fall somewhere in the middle—between an episode of Hoarders and The National Archives.
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Haven.
A home is many things-it is where we eat, sleep, launder, wash, teach, strategize, cry, pray, read, console, plan, reconnect, and make bittersweet goodbyes. But on that list, I believe a priority is that our homes become a haven. They ought to be a place where our families, friends, and even strangers come to find rest and refreshment-perhaps a small escape from the tyranny of the outside world. In an atmosphere like this, we give attention to one another. We listen and speak openly. This is the type of home where the Gospel will flourish in conversation.
What advice would you give someone who isn’t sure what her “style” is?
For me, it was a long process of trial and error. There would be jaws dropped if you saw how I decorated my first home in 2006, and yet some of our best friendships were born out of weekly board games and Taco Bell in that home. So I believe it is important to be patient with this process and serve with joy even if you are wanting to develop more of a settled style. Don’t waste those days being frustrated because your home isn’t as put together yet.
Yet, in terms of developing style this is where relationships and being in each other’s lives is helpful. I would often be in someone’s home and think “I really like how her mantle is decorated. I wonder why I like it. Is it the balance? The asymmetric placement of candles? The colors involved?” And if I couldn’t pinpoint it, I would just ask her “how did you decide on what to put there?” Or “where do you shop?” Pinterest is a big help as well.
Where do you find inexpensive decor?
This answer will have a lot to do with style. If you are drawn to vintage decor or farmhouse style, flea markets are fun places to shop and you can find great bargains. If your tastes are more modern, Home Goods has reasonable prices and Target has some great sales. Craigslist and Facebook Marketplace are my go-tos. If we need anything I usually check there first.
How can someone make a house lovely on a really tight budget?
I’m delighted by the that word-“lovely”. It invokes the smell of fresh flowers and hot cookies out of the oven. I believe this has more to do with an atmosphere cultivated than with things bought. Try to find creative ways to reuse what you already have. Maybe you can paint it. Maybe you can YouTube how to fix something that you might love if it worked properly. Maybe that pitcher is chipped, but stuffing some dollar store flowers in it would turn it into a great vase. I upcycled some file cabinets that predate our married life and have gone house to house with us. Try selling items you know you want to trade out on Facebook or elsewhere and put that money into new decor. I have had to do this each time we have moved. Also, save up for something where quality matters. I have learned the hard way that sometimes, investing in quality is really worth it over time. Don’t buy five cheap things you like if you can buy one thing you love. This may require sacrifice or patience somewhere else, but you probably won’t regret it.
Jaclyn Lewis
How does your faith change how you approach making a house a home?
The world tries to sell (particularly women) one of two lies:
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Being in survival mode every single day is ok. Stay as busy as you can and you won’t notice that you are drowning. In fact, spend more time away from home and it won’t bother you so much. You may not have time for other people, but you need to take care of you.
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You need to prove to everyone that your home is the best home around. Flaunt it and look down on others who don’t keep it together as well as you.
The Christian faith tells us that home is more. It ought to be a reminder of our heavenly home and with that a picture of hospitality to outsiders, a haven of love and nurture for our families, and a place of encouragement for the church. We won’t be able to achieve that perfectly in any house made with hands and we will stumble along in the fight for our motives to glorify God. There will be days when things didn’t go like we planned: when our home is a disaster, the children are not peaceful, and we feel like failures. Look to Christ. In those moments, I often feel like I just want a “break.” I don’t want to serve anymore. I’m done! It all feels pointless anyway. But, my attitude before the Lord is so important. I don’t have to just “survive” those days, because when I am working for Christ my labor has meaning and purpose. I can press into serving others with joy and be a cheerful giver of my time and efforts because Christ is with me in it. With this in mind, I can reflect the beauty of “a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.”- 2 Corinthians 5:1
What has been your experience with inviting people you don’t know very well into your home?
It usually is not as awkward as you think it will be. Most people are grateful to be included in a family meal at your table. It gives them a sense of belonging and for some people that’s not a feeling they have many other places.
Once, we hosted a BBQ for our neighbors. Through that encounter I built a friendship with the mom of five children from across the street. Without intentionally reaching out, I would have never been brought into her struggles and difficulties. She often told me she was a shy person and didn’t really know why she kept coming back over for coffee and to ask for prayer, but for some reason she just felt loved.
Some people are natural talkers and can come up with leading questions on their own. If you aren’t one of those people, try to make a list ahead of time. Questions like, “Do you have brothers or sisters?” Or “were you raised in a Christian home.” Are good ones. However, don’t be surprised if not all your guests are instantly comfortable baring their souls over the first meal. It often takes a while for people to feel truly “at home” anywhere.
What is one of your funniest stories about having people in your home?
While still a newlywed, we invited a couple over for dinner for the first time. I had prepared a delicious dish of chicken enchiladas. Well, I’ve never been very good at cooking and talking at the same time and when my timer went off, I pulled the enchiladas out of the oven, placing them on top of the stove while trying to participate in a conversation with the wife. All of a sudden, there was a loud crack—glass and enchiladas flew everywhere! I had left a burner on the stove on “high” and overheated the glass dish. I was embarrassed and overwhelmed with how to clean the mess. I was probably on the verge of tears. Our friends just laughed with us and said, “Let’s order pizza!” They helped us clean up and even came back many more times for dinner.
Why is hospitality important?
Hospitality is important because the Bible commends it. The Lord Jesus exemplified it. It is the simplest way in which we build relationships with other people. It helps to keep us from being self-centered as individuals and as a family.
Some excuses for not being hospitable that I often hear from people (or have made myself) are:
1.“We are just too busy.”
To this I say, “We make time for the things important to us.” In the year 2019 there are a million things calling for our attention—convincing us that everything is urgent. We have to be selective about what we give our “yes” to and investing in people this way is a good use of our time. Most people understand deadlines, too. It is not rude to say, “We would love to have you over for lunch, but we do need to leave around three for another event. Is that ok or would you like to come another time?” Often, people would rather have one or two hours of your time than none at all.
2.“I’m just not a people person.”
The father of one of the most hospitable families I know admitted that he is not a people person, either, but he is a Jesus-person and that means loving others through hospitality.
3.“I am not in a season of life where I can handle making dinner for more people. It’s so much work and/or it’s expensive.”
What would you normally be feeding yourself or your family? Would it be so hard to feed two or four more people? Gourmet is not a requirement. Most people would rather eat ramen noodles or frozen pizza in good company than feast alone.
4.“My house is too messy to have anyone over.”
Think about what level of cleanliness you would be comfortable with and work to make it happen, but if perfection is your goal, you’ll never have people over. If you have children, get them involved and teach them how to pickup and clean quickly before guests arrive. I try to keep the bottom floor of my house “ten minute” ready so if I have a guest with little notice, it takes no more than ten minutes to be presentable. This requires picking up the same things multiple times a day, but it can keep me from feeling flustered or inhospitable if someone needs to come over last-minute.
5.“People don’t really do that anymore. In fact most people eat out and I don’t even know my neighbors by name.”
That’s all the more reason why it is important and often so very appreciated. To be invited into someone’s home is a big deal now. Don’t squander opportunities for it!
What has helped you see the value of making your house a home and a haven?
Example. I’ve been the recipient of much hospitality—invited into every-day homes and situations. I’ve witnessed potty-training first hand from seasoned moms, I’ve seen the toothpaste-stained sinks, and the dust bunnies in the corners and felt welcomed and loved. I’ve asked about the daily habits that go into keeping a home running smoothly as kids multiply and I’ve heard the stern rebuke of mentors when I needed it most—often in the context of the warmth of someone’s home. I’ve cried on their couches, I’ve sought a listening ear, and wanted to watch that friend make bread from scratch because when I try by myself it doesn’t turn out right. I believe hospitality is where the practical wisdom of Titus 2 hits home—women teaching other women to love their husbands and children and in turn love our Lord and neighbors.
A great resource for this is the book, A Meal With Jesus, by Tim Chester.
I so appreciate Jacky’s words of wisdom! Jacky is a writer of insightful science fiction; check out her Facebook page to find out more about her.
If you’ve enjoyed this article, share it with others and check back for future interviews. This interview was the first in a series on how the gospel applies to our everyday lives.
