This is the first of two interviews with Judith, mostly because I had too many questions to stop with these! Enjoy and be encouraged by her thoughts on nurturing friendships as your children grow older!
How to Befriend Your Teenagers
1. Did you find that your family easily adjusted to being one of mostly-teenagers, or were there a hard few months or even a year as you learned how to parent children who were no longer small?
Katie was 17 when Laura [their youngest] was born, so for 21 years, we’ve had children of all ages in our home at the same time. There was no sudden transition for us. Our parenting of each child grew with that child. In our home we tried to stay tuned into each person, not matter the age or station of life. We dealt with each issue as it came up without wondering what season we were now in.
2. What key things do you think you did with your children when they were young that laid the foundation for a good relationship with them as they grew older?
We shared life. We talked about everything and made sure they knew they could come to us with anything as long as they did it with respect. No subject was off limits. We stayed in touch with who they were, were always accessible, listened to their appeals, and spoke into their lives. Issues weren’t left to fester. We always tried to explain our reasons for our choices, our rules, our values, our opinions, our beliefs, etc.
3. I love this [openness]! Did you ever feel “threatened” (in your authority) by some of their questions?
No, not threatened, just irritated sometimes! Then I needed to take a deep breath and carefully answer the question.
4. How did your approach change with the differing personalities of your children?
There just aren’t any sure-fire approaches. Every child is unique, every parent is unique, and the relationship between any two given people is unique. It’s good to have a basic strategy as long as the parents are willing to customize it for each child. Certainly parents have beliefs, values, and rules that should be uniformly expressed. But every conversation with each child is another unique event in what becomes the history of your relationship with that child. The parenting strategy for each child, at any age, is ultimately unique to that particular parent-child relationship.
Here are a few easy examples. Katie always nursed to sleep, John needed to be rocked to sleep, Anna needed to be walked to sleep, but in each case the goal was the same. When learning to drive, they each needed various areas of the driving skills emphasized or reviewed more than others, but, again, the goal was the same. Sleeping and driving are easy examples to give; the countless conversations of the heart can’t be boiled down so easily.
Gerald and Judith Pedersen.
5. What did you enjoy most about having older children in the home? (No longer toddlers/elementary age.)
Hearing their hearts more and more as they matured was deeply significant to me. They gradually became my friends, yet still my children.
6. What is a key lesson you learned while your children were teenagers?
Just as with small children, it is essential that they know they are deeply and unconditionally loved and that they will be heard and respected no matter what the topic is.
7. What is the best advice you received as a young parent?
God sent a lot of great ideas my direction and I don’t remember which avenues he used for most of them. It could have been books, speakers, tapes, conversations, or even my own thoughts!
Whatever it was that got us moving in the direction of family worship would probably qualify as the best advice. Having that time together each day looking into God’s word, along with praying and singing, kept our focus where it needed to be.
8. How does the gospel transform family relationships?
There can only be a gospel-transformed relationship when one or both individuals have been transformed by the gospel. The gospel transforms people from being centered on themselves to being centered on Christ. Christ has given us the ultimate example of self-sacrificing, unconditional love. This gives us the foundation for carrying out all the “one anothers” in the Bible as we seek to be imitators of Christ.
Perhaps the question is rather, “In what ways are relationships transformed when influenced by the gospel?” In the simplest of terms, it’s not just sacrificially seeking the good of the other, which unbelievers also do and do with varied motives, but it’s actually seeking to encourage the other to be steadily moving toward the glorification of Christ in every area of life. Christians should shine this truth on every relationship, not just their family relationships.
9. Do you have advice for those who are struggling to maintain a relationship with a rebellious teenager?
Pray for your child.
Examine yourself for any ways in which you have sinned against your son or daughter and apologize without pointing out his or her sin in the same conversation.
Clearly communicate your unconditional love, perhaps in writing if the relationship is really volatile.
Don’t become so consumed with this one hard relationship that you allow your other relationships to suffer.
Don’t give in to the temptation to compromise your beliefs, your expression of your beliefs, or your household rules.
Keep the difficult conversations private from the younger children.
10. What was and is your main goal as a mother?
My main goal was/is to discharge my God-given responsibilities faithfully and as unto the Lord. My hope for each child was that each would come to repentance and faith in Christ. In my flesh, though, I often battled pride and self-centeredness. In those times, and being painfully honest here, my goal was more likely to be to reduce the demands, inconvenience, or embarrassment my children caused.
11. How would you encourage those who feel fearful as their children approach the teenaged years?
First there is the matter of any sort of fear. Being steeped in God’s word allows us to know him more and more. One of the main things to know about God is that he is unwaveringly faithful and trustworthy. His ways are perfect and he will be with us always as we travel the path he has put before us, no matter how difficult it may be.
I think this question reflects a fear of the stereotypical rebellious teenager. Teenagers are just people. Keep tracking with this young person, this emerging adult, by staying in touch with what he is saying, thinking, and doing. Ask questions that show genuine interest that are not just yes/no questions.
I am so encouraged by Mrs. Judith’s faith-filled parenting advice! And I’m thankful she took time from her extremely busy schedule to share with me!
You might also enjoy reading other interviews in this series on how the gospel transforms ordinary life and interactions.
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